Dear Editor:

As an adult, I love celery, especially with peanut butter and raisins (ants on a log). But when I was young and did something stupid, my mother would shake her head and instead of asking “What were you thinking?” she’d say “You have the brains of a celery stick.” 

I didn’t really understand the reprimand, but I knew I didn’t like being compared to celery and developed a strong distaste for it. 

One day, having reached the wise age of eight years, I talked back. “Celery sticks don’t have brains.” She responded, “My point, exactly.”  One of my life goals has been to avoid acting like a celery stick but when I do, my dead mother’s voice echoes in my ears.

Our country is being over-run by celery sticks. 

I hate to malign celery in this way, but my mother started it. Unfortunately there are few politicians or Trump followers who can recognize rotting celery in the back of their fridge.  

Everyday they support brainless, irresponsible decisions, ineptitude, violations of the Constitution and adulteration of nearly everything that our democracy represents. I’d love to hand them over to my mother.

Both No. 45 and Pence say if we stop reading newspapers and reduce testing for COVID, cases will cease. 

Well then!  If I don’t balance my checkbook, I’ll always have money; if we ignore global warming, the icebergs will stop melting; if women don’t perform pregnancy tests, they won’t get pregnant.

If DUI laws are repealed, there will be no drunk driving; if people of color would just go away there would be no police brutality; if I click the heels of my red slippers three times and chant “there’s no place like home,” the nightmare will end. Maybe, just maybe, if I ignore the slimy celery in the vegetable bin it too will magically disappear. 

Let’s just bury our heads in the sand like an ostrich and everything will be fine in our world. But wait! 

According to the San Diego Zoo: “Contrary to the popular myth, ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand. When an ostrich senses danger and cannot run away, it flops to the ground and remains still, with its head and neck flat on the ground in front of it. Because the head and neck are lightly colored, they blend in with the color of the soil.” 

Turns out ostriches lead pretty smart lives. So, go bury your celery stick heads in the sand but remember that an ostrich has far more brains than you have.  

All this talk about celery has made me hungry. Today, I think I’ll go for celery with cream cheese and black olives (ticks on a stick). Thanks, Mom.

Linda Taylor, 

Salida