Boy, do I feel like a fool. It is 2026 and I bought the last empty lot in all of Salida. It is located on the north side of town near Colo. 291 and the river.
My property backs up to the mesa, so I have some privacy as there is a nice high escarpment bordering the edge of my backyard. I built a nice house, and as soon as I moved in the trouble started. I quickly learned I was ignorant of the laws of acoustics and physics and did not do my research before building in an area with a high solid wall behind me.
I soon came to find out that all the world’s sound waves propagate past my house and then bounce back off the escarpment and through my house again. Silly me. First, it was the Flight for Life helicopter making runs over my house on its way to save lives. I had to sue to stop them from making all that noise.
Then it was the planes flying over as I was near their flight path. I’ll have to sue the airport to turn the runways in a different direction or move the whole airfield farther out of town and change the flight path over homes other than mine. I mean, why inconvenience me.
Then on Sunday morning, those dang church bells woke me up so I am going to have to sue all the churches in town so they don’t ring any bells before noon on Sunday.
There are a few rapids in the river near me and during the high-water season I can hear the waves at night when I am trying to sleep. I think I’ll sue the state to reroute the river to the other side of town.
And don’t get me started with those Salida winds; I’ll have to sue the Almighty for that one.
And then there are all those dump truck coming from the gravel pit through town. The rumbling sound comes off the road and reverberates off the escarpment and into my house. I’ll have to sue the gravel pit and CDOT to stop them from coming on that road and make them reroute the trucks the longer way around the other side of town.
The U. S. Army is next with all those helicopters coming up and down the river all the time.
And the worst is my next-door neighbor who has this high-pitched laugh, and she is apparently a very happy person. I’ll have to sue her to curtail her laughing during the hours I plan to be home.
Wow, that’s a lot of suing. I’ll have to unwind by taking my lady into town for some dancing to the sounds of the local musicians. Oh, I forgot, someone sued every music venue in town and shut down the music scene two years ago. I guess I should just move; Montana might take me.