Baxter Black

Noah’s Dispersal Sale

To: Residents of Mount Ararat School District

Ref: Noah, visionary and livestock hauler recently returned from an exotic cruise, will be holding his first apré-cruise yard sale. Many items will be offered to tickle your nautical or agricultural fancy. All sales final, not guaranteed against mildew.

Included in the sale:

• Approx. 2,400 cages (wire, wicker, horsehair, iron, rope, screen, etc.)

• Lots of salt blocks

• Adjustable nose tongs (fit water buffalo, hippo and elephant)

• 1.2 million species of insects still frozen in a quart jar (could be used as parakeet feed or turned loose on the world)

• Two cans of Off

• One rhino twitch

• A mastodon fur coat (soon to be listed as endangered)

• Kangaroo teeth floats

• Set of teeth floats for small rodents

• Dried poultry waste, including pigeon, pelican, buzzard, banty, canary and condor

• Two dozen used but still serviceable scoop shovels

• Hoof nippers (fit any species from emu to gnu)

• 600 partially chewed wooden panels

• Box of assorted pills, including wildcat suppositories, camel antacid boli, Dramamine and Bear Butazolidin

• Two hog snares (will double as calving tool and snake catcher)

• Two life jackets for small mammals. Size prairie dog to porcupine

• A collection of specialty feeds: Eucalyptus Koala Chow, Bamboo Panda Chow, Bat Mosquito Chow, Mosquito Bat Chow and bag of M&Ms

• Crocodile balling gun

• Anteater tongue depressors

• Giraffe stomach hose

• Small library containing:

“How to Get Ahead in the New World Even Though Fish Have a Head Start”

“Practical Uses of Animal Waste from Caulking and Rudder Grease to Fertilizer and Finger Painting”

“How to Survive 40 Days and 40 Nights Cooped Up with a Man Who Keeps Saying, ‘Pretty Good Ark. ‘Eh, Mother?’ ”

“The Illustrated Guide to Sexing Amphibians, Newts and Domestic Fowl”

“Noah’s Captain’s Log entitled, ‘One More Day Like This and I’ll Never Get The Corn In’ ”

• And finally: Firewood (gopher) by the cubit